Every time I see a post about hymens and virginity, I need to say this and reiterate it and just make everyone understand:
your first time is not supposed to hurt
your first time is not supposed to hurt
your first time is not supposed to hurt
IT IS NOT A REQUIREMENT TO BLEED FOR YOUR FIRST TIME
REASONS YOU MIGHT BLEED FOR YOUR FIRST TIME:
- Not enough lubrication.
- Not enough preparation.
- Not enough foreplay.
- Your partner is a giant dicksplash.
TIPS AND HINTS FOR YOUR FIRST TIME THAT I WISH I HAD:
- LUBE IS YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND! Yes the vagina secretes a fluid that can act as a natural lubricant but that is not enough for vaginal sex. And for some women (like myself), they do not secrete nearly enough for even penetration, let alone sex. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH LUBE.
- FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY!!! You want to be good and turned on, like super turned on, coz the more you’re aroused, the more pliant and warm your vagina is going to be, and it’s more likely to allow a dick in without tearing. Like even when you’re giving birth, doctors nowadays will actually massage the outer rim of your vagina so that everything loosens up and allows A FUCKING BABY TO BE BORN WITHOUT TEARING YOU.
- PREPARATION (WHICH IS SOMEWHAT RELATED TO FOREPLAY)!!!! If you have never had anything in your vagina before, you’re probs gonna need a couple fingers in there to help you loosen up. This can easily be tied into foreplay.
- A GENTLE, UNDERSTANDING LOVER WHO KNOWS AND RESPECTS THE ABOVE HINTS!!!! You don’t have to be in love with the person you first have sex with, but it should be someone who respects you and your boundaries!!! Before having sex with someone, explain to them these things and your masturbatory experience, your wants and needs. If they don’t respect that THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR VAGINA.
Basically it comes down to this: if your partner says “it’s normal to bleed the first time,” sit him (or her) down and talk to them about what actually happens and how it’s supposed to go. If they respect that, cool. If they don’t, fuck ‘em. Actually no, don’t fuck them, dump their ass and find someone who doesn’t subscribe to the belief that anything as lovely and intimate as your first time having sex has to hurt.
This is a basic patriarchal myth to both scare women from having sex, as well as contribute to the laziness of men in terms of making sex enjoyable for their female partners.
Sex never has to hurt. And don’t you dare let anyone tell you that it fucking has to.
If you have health problems that legitimately make vaginal intercourse hurt, there are a billion other things you can do with your partner, and you should communicate your health issues to every single partner. Again, if they respect that, rock on. If they don’t, tell them ‘adios’ and leave the bedroom.
Reminding you that with a single click you can:
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I never say negative things about myself anymore and so when negative thoughts pop into my head like “omg I look ugly” I immediately correct myself I’m like “no wait no I’m not, I’m great” and it’s the best I love how empowering it feels to have made it this far in loving myself
Do You Love Someone With Depression?
If you have a partner or are close to someone who struggles with depression, you may not always know how to show them you love them. One day they may seem fine, and the next they are sad, distant and may push you away. It is important that you know that as a person who is close to them and trusted by them, you can help your friend or partner have shorter, less severe bouts of depression. Mental illness is as real as physical illness (it is physical actually, read more about that here) and your partner needs you as much as they would need to be cared for if they had the flu.
Your relationship may seem one-sided during these times, but by helping your partner through a very difficult and painful affliction, you are strengthening your relationship and their mental health in the long term.
1. Help them keep clutter at bay.
When a person begins spiraling into depression, they may feel like they are slowing down while the world around them speeds up. The mail may end up in stacks, dishes can pile up in the sink, laundry may go undone as the depressed person begins to feel more and more overwhelmed by their daily routine and unable to keep up. By giving your partner some extra help sorting mail, washing dishes or using paper plates and keeping chaos in check in general, you’ll be giving them (and yourself) the gift of a calm environment. (I’m a fan of the minimalist movement because of this, you can read more about that here.)
2. Fix them a healthy meal.
Your partner may do one of two things when they are in a depressed state. They may eat very little, or they may overeat. In either case, they may find that driving through a fast food restaurant or ordering a pizza online is just easier than fixing a meal. Eating like this, or neglecting to eat will only degrade your partner’s health, causing them to go deeper into their depression. Help your loved one keep their body healthy, and their mind will follow. This is a great article that talks about the “Brain Diet” which can help the symptoms of depression, and this article talks about how our modern diet could contribute to the recent rise in depression. Here is a recipe for a trail mix that is quick to make and has mood-boosting properties.
3.Get them outside.
The benefits of getting outside for a depressed person are huge. And it is possibly the last thing on earth your partner will want to do. Take them to be somewhere in nature. Pack a picnic and lie in the sun, take a leisurely hike or plant a garden. Being barefoot in the dirt, or “earthing” helps ground the body and reverse the effects of living in a world of emf’s, and digging in soil can actually act as an antidepressant, as a strain of bacterium in soil, Mycobacterium vaccae, triggers the release of seratonin, which in turn elevates mood and decreases anxiety. Sunshine increases Vitamin D production which can help alleviate depression. My friend Elizabeth wrote an excellent post about Vitamin D and its link to depression here. For more information about other sources of Vitamin D, this is a great post as well as this.
4. Ask them to help you understand what they’re feeling.
If your partner is able to articulate what they are going through, it will help them and you better understand what you are dealing with, and may give insight into a plan of action for helping your partner. Also, feeling alone is common for a depressed person and anything that combats that feeling will help alleviate the severity and length of the depression.
5. Encourage them to focus on self-care.
Depressed people often stop taking care of themselves. Showering, getting haircuts, going to the doctor or dentist, it’s all just too hard, and they don’t deserve to be well taken care of anyway in their minds. This can snowball quickly into greater feelings of worthlessness since “Now I’m such a mess, no one could ever love me”. Help your loved one by being proactive. Tell them “I’m going to do the dishes, why don’t you go enjoy a bubble bath?” can give them the permission they won’t give themselves to do something normal, healthy and self-loving.
6. Hug them.
Studies show that a sincere hug that lasts longer than 20 seconds can release feel-good chemicals in the brain and elevate the mood of the giver and receiver. Depressed people often don’t want to be touched, but a sincere hug with no expectation of anything further can give your partner a lift.
7. Laugh with them.
Telling a silly joke, watching a comedy or seeing a stand up comedian will encourage your partner to laugh in spite of themselves. Laughing releases endorphins and studies show can actually counteract symptoms of depression and anxiety.
8. Reassure them that you can handle their feelings.
Your partner may be feeling worthless, angry and even guilty while they are depressed. They may be afraid that they will end up alone because no one will put up with their episodes forever. Reassure them that you are in the relationship for the long haul and they won’t scare you away because they have an illness.
9. Challenge their destructive thoughts.
A depressed person’s mind can be a never-ending loop of painful, destructive thoughts. “I’m unlovable, I’m a failure, I’m ugly, I’m stupid”. Challenge these untruths with the truth. “You’re not unlovable, I love you. You aren’t a failure, here are all the things you’ve accomplished.”
10.Remind them why you love them.
Look at pictures of happy times you’ve had together. Tell them your favorite things about them. Reminisce about your relationship and all the positive things that have happened, and remind your partner that you love them and they will get through this.
(via The Darling Bakers)
More people need to know this.This is so incredibly important. I’ve seen people with depression ostracized so many times, and I cannot stress how much it means to each and every person I’ve tried to reach out to after whatever “falling-outs” they’ve had due to depression. Remember to always be compassionate and kind to all friends like this, because you never know what they’re going through.